By Neal Johns
It is not beyond the bounds of possibility that you might go on a 4-wheel wheel drive backcountry trip with me, so here are some survival hints. Stories abound about my strange personal habits and idiosyncratic, curmudgeonliness behavior. Ignore me, so here are some survival hints. Stories abound about my strange personal habits and idiosyncratic, curmudgeonliness behavior. Ignore them as they have softened with time. The truth is much worse.
Rule # 1
There should be no music played loud enough for me to hear. Music, either classical, rock or rap, softens the soul and is not the proper ambiance for a Real Man. The natural sounds of animals tearing each other apart, thunderstorms or earthquakes is the proper ear food for a Real Man’s soul.
Rule # 2
The Leader gets his choice of any females in the group. This rule, which served me well for many years, has been retired for a couple of decades or so, but who knows, Marian is getting up in years so it
may be reinstated someday. On second thought, I’m getting up there too, so forget Rule # 2
Rule # 3
10% loss is allowed, people or vehicles. A word to the wise: Don’t get on my bad side. (Examples: disagreeing with me, pointing out an obviously untrue statement, giving me funny looks, etc.).
Rule # 4
No mention of any kind, in any context, of the word hair‚ is allowed. The reason for this rule is obvious upon inspection of said Leader.
Rule # 5
In the event of observing the Leader talking to any new, strange female on the trip, no one shall interrupt with a mention of Marian, my current wife. (Example: How’s Marian? Oh, my maiden sister is just fine, thank you.)
Rule # 6
Never suggest, in public, that you suspect your Leader is lost. If certain of your ground, (pun!) you may mention discretely and privately, that you suspect he is Geography Challenged.
See Rule 3.